Cyclejen's Blog

It’s Snow Good
March 31, 2010, 10:13 pm
Filed under: Cycle Jen Main | Tags: , , , ,

How do you like that title eh? Damn good title. Not even sure what I’m going to write now. If you come up with a pun worthy of a Sun headline, I think that’s the job done. I’m pretty sure that’s how they must figure it there. Perhaps they respond to breaking news by first passing the story through a punometer. If it can’t rhyme with something or you can’t just resort to turning your story into a nationalistic appeal, like ‘Pothole Britain’, then it’s obviously not a story. Perhaps this is why Cystic Fibrosis often  doesn’t make the headlines – it doesn’t rhyme with anything and ‘Cystic Fibrosis is Stealing our Jobs’ just doesn’t have a nice ring to it.

So we’ve got a good title. Let’s add some filler content:

With the mercury dropping below 0c in various parts of the region last night, Aberdeen is once again frozen in the icy grip of winter. A completely precedented 8″ of snow fell, sending areas with already shaky power lines into predictable blackout. In no way typical of the everyday Aberdeen commute, traffic chaos has hit the North Anderson Drive this morning, resulting in heavy tailbacks, while a jack-knifed lorry closed the south bound carriageway at Portlethen.  Several lucky bastards from Huntly have been unable to come into work and resume the relentless drudgery of their piss-poor office job, at a cost of an estimated £3 billion dollars to the taxpayer. Bethel, an auxillary nurse from Kingswells, asks the council why they can’t do more to prevent weather: “I’m absolutely disgusted. I’ve been waiting for someone to clear my driveway for hours now. What do we pay our taxes for?” Jennifer, from the city’s west end, has been unable to ride her bike out of fear of slipping on the ice. “It’s no big deal,” says the office-worker, “I’ll just pick it up again next week.”

The snow is just one instance of horrific weather set to grip the North East in the oncoming months. Justin Reid from Aberdeen Council’s Zoology department predicts an onslaught of ‘awakening insects’  and a dramatic increase in noise pollution due to ‘birdsong’. Pollen counts will also rise dramitastically, and a lethal heatwave is forecast to last for 3 days in June, all at a cost of £200 billion thousand to the taxpayer. Pubs with outdoor gardens are preparing well in advance with bulk orders for whatever heavily marketed Irish cider bullshit will be popular this year.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Another great post. My only quibble would be they sound like daily mail headlines rather than the sun. Especially if pothole Britain had the sub header ‘pothole Britain,caused by immigrants that steal your jobs, linked to cancer’ Xxxx

Comment by lizzie

Oh I don’t know, the Sun is good at puns while the Daily Mail is good at scare-mongering, moral judgement and awful, awful film reviews! you should check out their review of kick-Ass – it’s obscene!

Comment by cyclejen

lol….3 day heatwave, we should be so lucky!

Comment by helen

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