Cyclejen's Blog

No dogs were harmed in the making of this post
April 12, 2010, 10:47 pm
Filed under: Cycle Jen Main | Tags: , , , , ,

So the cycling has begun proper. The main lesson learned so far is merely a reaffirmation of a long-held belief; namely that dogs are mind bogglingly stupid. This may seem a touch mean-spirited, but after spending some time both in city centre traffic and along the old Deeside railway track, I can safely say that dogs are a danger to a cyclist’s health. Cars and buses, on the other hand, are our intelligent and benevolent masters.

When cycling along the railway track yesterday, one can only speculate on what made this dog run up to and stop in front of my wheel, forcing me to display an almost Herculean strength in my hand muscles when breaking. Perhaps it was a twig the dog’s owner had thrown. Perhaps it was a bunny it had glimpsed in the bushes off to the left. Perhaps it was the warning bell I had helpfully rung, not realising it sounds far too much like a goddam whistle to be of any kind of stop signal to a Border Collie. Who knows? It is a mystery that may never be solved.

Tell you what though, it’s not just the descendants of sheep or gun dogs that you need to be wary of. The worst incident yet was not ten minutes into my first bike ride along the railway track. There I am, cycling confidently along and keeping an eye on everything in my path – particularly a largeish brown barrel shaped dog standing on one of the old platforms looking directly at me. The dog sees me, it knows what I’m doing, and yet, with the grim determination of a Beachy Head leaper, plows straight into my front wheel with a doggie yelp. Not in front of it, not behind it – slap bang into it. I encountered several dogs along the track of a similar disposition so the problem must be widespread. Someone should set up a helpline for these poor suicidal dogs, convince them that bike-wheel death is not the only answer to the endless daily inanity of chasing after bones, sniffings cats and eating Pedigree Chum.

This dog was fine, by the way, and probably pleased about scaring another cyclist, the malicious hound. It’s probably giggling with all his other doggie mates RIGHT NOW, comparing cyclist injury records and swapping trophies – a reflector light here, a kneecap there. Yeah, I know your game, Dog. After that, I was nervous about any approaching obstacle for several miles. Uh oh. twig. Twig. twigtwigtwigtwig. TWIG. OH GOD A TWIG! GETOUTOFTHEWAY!!!!

Public footpaths are just far too dangerous. When ready, I shall take to the haven of the roads. Of course, I understand that this naive embracing of the car is possibly not an attitude to be maintained over the coming months. I’ve heard that 4x4s crumple, not cuddle, when being overly playful. If I get covered in a car’s drool, I’ll not only be grossed out but also highly flammable. Something tells me that a dog may mangle my arm but even a car as small as a Ford Ka could mangle MY LIFE OK. In the meantime I shall keep to the relative peace of the old railway tracks. And take a taser. I KNOW WHERE YOU WALK, DOG!


5 Comments so far
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On my way to the bus this morning a dog charged at me tapping away; it was all I could do not to run away with helicopter send flying. But as it was ‘just’ a little terrier I kept the fear inside. Son o$ a bitch! Xxxx

Comment by lizzie

MwUaHaHaHaHa how could you call the four legged ones stupid? Mine are highly sensible…. well… Lucy does like to stand in front of cyclists when they come. but its cause she wants to be stroked!

here’s a trick, take some dog treats with you, when they approach wave it at them then chuck to the side.. Ta-Da! Dog moves to side to fetch treat! Continue on your cycle journey!

Love this blog 🙂 good luck deary! xx

Comment by Jodie

My question to you is: will the CF Trust subsidise the doggie treats? Would throwing them at the dogs not technically be doggie assault? More importantly, have you ever seen a cat run up to a bike? Yeah, you think on that!

Comment by cyclejen

I didn’t say throw it ‘at them’! Just wave it, get attention on ‘reat’ huck t side… jnose follows treat! And I ahve two cats… totally individual and both abnormal. Sputnik has a death wish and one day will be mowed under my bike tyre!

Jode’s x

Comment by Jodie

balls to my typo’s!

Comment by Jodie

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