Cyclejen's Blog

75 miles, cha cha cha
July 26, 2010, 11:33 pm
Filed under: Cycle Jen Main | Tags: , , , , ,

Apologies about the title. I really feel I hit my title peak at It’s Snow Good. After that it’s just been downhill all the way. It’s a weight on your shoulders, once you’ve come up with a spectacular title – I kind of understand how Einstein felt after he cracked general relativity. A lot of pressure, let me tell you.  Still, I already know what the title will be for my last blog entry before I do the challenge. I promise you, it’s a real show stopper, worthy of a Pulitzer. Do they do Pulitzers for titles? They really should. The subsequent post, I’m sure, will just be AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH MY LEEGGGGSS! In the meantime you’ll just have to put up with some treading water.

The title is to the point. The point being 75 miles. I don’t think anyone’s ever cycled that far before, in the world, ever. When Neil Armstrong first landed on the moon and said that whole ‘one small step for man’ malarky, he hadn’t reckoned on bikes, otherwise he would have just muttered ‘small fry’ under his breath instead. And the best thing is, I did it with people! 13 people, to be exact. It was all part of a charity bike ride for the British Heart Foundation that was organised by my employer. I signed up as I knew it would be a great opportunity for a doing a trial run. I have to say though, I did find it kind of difficult not to sound like a posturing arsehole when I told the other participants that I would do it, you know, for practice.

Still, it was an interesting day and great to be doing it with real live people. So far on bike rides I’ve been making do with singing and talking to myself. I’m not kidding. Admiring the scenery will only get you so far; after a while, you’re going to have to invent company. Luckily, I’ve managed to avoid being caught by car drivers or, worse, other cyclists babbling on to myself. I’m incredibly glad that no one came close to seeing me breathlessly singing Cyndi Lauper’s version of ‘I’m Gonna be Strong’ whilst attempting a particularly nasty hill. I’m also glad I’ve not yet been responsible for any car crashes caused by car drivers bursting into hysterics at the sight of a sweaty, struggling cyclist flapping her mouth open and closed like a fish drowning in air, and then hearing ‘AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAAAAAAANNNN YEEEAAAHHH!’ in doppler effect as they whizz by.

Thankfully, my parents’ willingness to meet me at various stopping points for mental and physical refreshments has prevented me from becoming a deranged lunatic. Although, after the events on the Dundee-Aberdeen bike ride, I’m now not so sure. In nearly all respects the bike ride was typical of what you would expect. People brought their bikes, we pedalled for a bit, we ate food, we chatted. Some were faster, some were slower, all types invited. Punctures occurred and gears jammed, but all in all we all made the distance in one piece. I have what I hope are real memories of the leisurely pace we took out of Dundee and the burn on my legs as I climbed an incline that stretched for several miles. I remember the sun, the sea and the wind on my face. What makes me doubt the existence of any of this is the mystery of the Man in White.

To give a bit of background, this event was initially promoted by posters dotted around the workplace. A general email was sent out, those who wanted to participate replied, a group of six was formed to represent the Aberdeen contingent and, after fine tuning details over the course of a few emails and going for a few shorter rides together, we were good to go. What none of us knew was that all this time a mysterious entity had been watching from the sidelines. We only became aware of this person when, whilst having lunch at a tea room in the middle of nowhere, one of the Dundee office’s people told us that a man who called himself the head of cleaning services was in the car park after furiously cycling 51 miles from Aberdeen to join us. Apparently, he had turned up at our initial Aberdeen meeting point, only to be told by the security guard that we had already left for Dundee. He then proceeded to the bus station and attempted to get on the Megabus and was naturally denied due to the fact that he had a bike with him and no reservations. With no thought whatsoever of taking the train, he decided his only option was to cycle down to Dundee, in order to take part in the cycle ride back up to Aberdeen.

We waited in anticipation for this man to come into the cafe. Who is the head of cleaning services? Is there a cleaning services department? If so, why haven’t they cleaned my desk for the past two years? The room hushes as in walks a thin, small framed man in his early 40s, dressed in a tight white t shirt and the tightest, whitest shorts I have ever seen. It takes every ounce of effort not to immediately zero in on the (let’s call a spade a spade) genital bulge that’s in plain view. A doctor could take one look at his shorts and immediately determine his sperm count. It makes me think of those plaster of paris figurine kits I used to have when I was a kid, but before they were painted – alabaster white and lumpy. Well, that’s that childhood memory ruined. More astonishingly, this man gives no outward sign at having apparently cycled 51 miles in three and a half hours. He sits, has lunch with us, informs us that he works as a contractor on the night shift and has decided to do the bike ride after seeing the poster. He waits around with us for lunch and then proceeds to zoom off back to Aberdeen, and we never see him again that day.

However, I suspect we may never see him ever again, and I’ll tell you why. Being a contractor, he did not have access to work email. Therefore, he couldn’t have known to even appear in the car park at the time originally organised, let alone an hour later as was subsequently arranged. Furthermore, I cannot think of any way he could have known we were stopping to have lunch at that particular tea room. The car park was hidden back from the road, so he would not have seen the company vans. How did he know we were there? This man has to be some kind of ghost or prophet; I can see no other explanation.

Is he the bike Messiah? After all, when a lady came round with a raffle to raise funds for the tea shop, all he said was “I don’t gamble, but I will donate.” Does his white outfit represent the purity of the true cyclist’s spirit, unencumbered by any worldly constraints? Come to think of it, I’m not even sure he ate any food at the tea rooms. Or perhaps I have succumbed to road loneliness completely and he doesn’t actually exist at all. Perhaps none of the 13 people I rode with exist. Or worse, perhaps I am just a construct in the mind of the Man in White, who has made us all up to save himself from the crushing loneliness of cycling for so far, for so very long. Maybe he’s doing London to Paris and not me. Perhaps you too are constructs in his head to distract him from the lactic burn in his legs as he reaches the peak of a 3000ft climbOH GOD WHO’S TYPING THIS  THING?!

If you are real, Man in White, please get in touch to prove you’re not a figment of my imagination or I of yours. Please explain your apparent telepathic and superhuman cycling abilities. And the shorts, is that just aerodynamics then or what? Finally, Man in White, just in case you really are real, please do not take it personally if  I go to sleep tonight with a knife under my pillow. Amen.


The Charity Hierachy
June 28, 2010, 10:31 pm
Filed under: Cycle Jen Main | Tags: , , , ,

So, if you’ve been on my Justgiving page recently, you’ll see that I have reached my initial target of £1300. I am so incredibly chuffed and delighted with every one of you who have donated so far. After all this is over, I shall come to where you live, knock on the door, look you in the eye and give you a big hug. If you live in Australia, all the better – although expenses will have to be paid for by the donor. Of course, what I have just said about hugs is most likely a well-intentioned lie and I hope you’ll see it as such. Just allow it to act as a metaphor for the scope of my gratitude. And a desire for all expenses paid world travel. 1st class.

But you know what? Fundraising is haaaaard. I’m not really the type of person who likes to ask for things. I was once so scared about asking a teacher to go to the toilet I peed myself in class. This is a horrifyingly true story. What can I say, I was very young and the teacher was very scary. She was one of those teachers who seemed to think that anyone asking for the toilet was DEFINITELY-I-DON’T-CARE-WHAT-YOU-SAY asking if they could skive. As if the sole purpose of childhood is to learn how to hold it in while trying to slack off as much as possible (wait a second…). She also once shouted at me and got me to stand up in front of class to repeat the mistake that 10-7 = 2 for the whole class’s amusement. Thankfully, I’m older, wiser, and know that10-7 actually equals 4.

But asking people for things? Nope, still not very good at it. The crazy thing is, is that I work in advertising and my whole job is to convince someone why they should be doing this thing as opposed to the other, and yet there are still days where asking them for their home address feels like I’ve just asked them if they have a history of uncontrollable rectal bleeding. This is why I hoped that, when initially raising money for the CF Trust, if I did something big enough and simply let people know, I wouldn’t have to ask for money, people would just give. This would save the embarrassment of just having to grow a pair. However, I cannot and will not rely only on this softly, softly approach; I’m going to have to up my game now, and there are plans afoot for getting more pennies! Who knows, if you haven’t donated yet, I might just outright ask you for it. Just don’t stand near my feet when I’m doing it and watch out for any suspicious puddles…

Perhaps, in a bid to avoid actually asking people for money, what I really need to be doing is finding ways to make myself more bankable. I was speaking to my sister Suzanne the other day about my attempts to get my story published in the local paper. There tends to be a lot of stories in the paper about charity events, so I really need to find a way to make mine stand out. Cycling from Aberdeen to Banchory and back for charity X? Ha I can do that in my sleep – literally! My boyfriend gets really annoyed! Anyway, I’m cycling 300 MILES! Cycling 300 miles? Ha! I HAVE CF, BABY! And yet, judging from the lack of response from said paper, obviously this is not quite enough. Yes, I have CF, but I’m healthy with it. To get the paper’s and potential donor’s attention, what I really need to do is to get on the transplant list, better yet, be post transplant. With a devoted regime aimed towards decline, I can achieve this, as most people with CF will end up on the lung transplant list at some point. To up the ante further, while in the operating theatre, I could ask them to take a chunk of my liver to help save my pregnant sister, whose life hangs in the balance due to a pretty nasty case of Cholestasis. Let’s chuck in a kidney for a homeless charity for good measure. I can see the headlines now: Local Hero Cycles 300 Miles Hours After Double Lung Transplant While At The Same Time Donating a Kidney to the Homeless and Part of her Liver to her Dying Sister. Now that’s a title that sells papers. So I could do that, sure, but I’ll still find myself bumped by a man who has survived ALL the cancers (even the female ones) and is going on a sponsored bike ride TO THE MOON.

This is the charity hierarchy. For everything you do, there will be people doing less, people doing more, and, apart from feeling a little smug at the people jogging along for the local 5k, it would be grossly unfair to judge yourself by someone else’s achievements – we all have our own goals, our own Everests to conquer. Cycling 300 miles? I recently read about someone who cycled around the world. I’m a slovenly couch potato compared to that jerk. The point really is to get as high up the hierarchy as you can and within your own limits. For some it may be the 5k, for others, the moon. No, the people I really should feel threatened by are the over achieving fundraisers. Just when I think I’m doing well, I’ll discover that some kid has raised £10,000 for Teenage Acne or goddamn Wood Splinters. I shouldn’t get jealous though; I should be calling them up and asking for tips. I’ll just make sure I’ve emptied my bladder first.