Cyclejen's Blog


A spinning personality

I’m sure after reading my blog that you too have also been convinced to hop onto a bike and cycle your way to freedom. Unfortunately, at the moment you do not have a bike. Fear not, intrepid would-be cyclist, for I have constructed the perfect buying guide. After months of research and detailed analysis, I have compiled a quiz that will best ascertain your bike buying needs. Using the latest technology in personality profiling, we can ensure that you will get the best match. Unless you want a mountain bike. It’s not in the answers. So what are you waiting for?! You are now only a few questions away from discovering your true cycling identity!

What’s your favourite TV program?

a) It used to be Arrested development, but now I really like the Sopranos, but I’ll always have time for Futurama, actually I re

b) I like ones where the elephant poops on the floor.

c) The news at 6. Once I know how Iran’s nuclear program is doing I can relax into my dinner of steamed fish and veg.

d) Anything with Alan Titchmarsh. He really is a lovely chap.

e) Pfft. I don’t own a TV.

Your friends say you are:

a) Working a few things out at the moment.

b) Mean because you stole Sally’s toy car and smashed it.

c) Unavailable between 7.30am and 5pm. Please leave a message and I’ll get right back to you.

d) A fantastic resource for advice on the kitchen garden.

e) Know a great Dadaist vegan restaurant nearby.

Ok, a bit of road trivia. When turning right at a roundabout:

a) Shiiiiit. I guess I could ‘be like the car’ as I’ve heard that’s safest, but, I don’t know. Maybe I should get off and cross at the traffic lights-oh-god-it’s–too-late-and-I’m-in-the-wrong-lane!

b) What’s a roundabout?

c) Power on through. Indicate to the driver your intention by turning your head in their vague direction. If they don’t know they should HAVE MORE RESPECT.

d) Keeping to the left-hand lane, you should be aware that drivers may not easily see you. Take extra care when cycling across exits. You may need to signal right to show you are not leaving the roundabout. Watch out for vehicles crossing your path to leave or join the roundabout.

e) Roundabouts? Lame.

Your first bike was a:

a) I dunno, it had two wheels?

b) An AWESOME Little Tikes red and yellow car.

c) Not good enough.

d) A wooden one that my father made.

e) Skateboard.

What’s your dream job?

a) Ask me in ten years. Hopefully I’ll have some idea by then.

b) Doctor! No, Actress! No, DINASAUR!

c) To be my own boss.

d) Greenpeace Activist.

e) Graphic Designer/Independent coffee shop owner

To wind down you:

a) Listlessly surf the internet and watch old episodes of your favourite TV program.

b) Drink lots of Robinsons and ask to play video games.

c) Hit the gym, finishing off with the steam room.

d) Catch up with the gardening.

e) Me and my friends are working on this synth-World Beat-African thing…?

You live in a:

a) Rented flat in the city centre.

b) Bigger room than my sister’s!

c) A place that’s ideal commuting distance from work.

d) A cottage next to a farm. It has a lovely kitchen and at night you can hear the cows mooing.

e) A loft apartment (paid for by your parents).

Mostly As: HYBRID BIKE

Congratulations! You are probably right in the middle of a midlife crisis in your late twenties! Do I get a road bike or a mountain bike? Do I cycle to work or walk? Am I a Socialist or a Libertarian? Do I eat jelly or ice cream? The hybrid bike: the perfect bike for someone who’s not quite sure what they want but really hope they figure it out soon. A jack of all trades and master of none, you start various projects in the hope that you’ll get back to them some day. The crushing weight of expectation heaped on during your early twenties has now manifested itself in an overwhelming feeling that Something Needs to be Done – NOW. Make a decision and take the first step and get yourself a hybrid bike. If only it had an inbuilt CD player so you can learn Spanish on the way to work and become that translator you think you might be good at… Cycling Style: I don’t know!

Mostly Bs: KID’S BIKE

Well done, you are 5 years old. Complete with stabilizers, this is the perfect bike for the truly reckless cyclist. Let’s face it, you can barely read and have only just figured out how to write your name in crayon. You have no respect for cars and continually flout all rules of the road by cycling on the pavement. Highly excitable and completely illogical, your cycling style matches your personality. Will you cycle straight ahead or suddenly turn around in a circle? Who knows? And neither does the person behind you – that’s the fun! In time you may upgrade to a BMX bike and turn that untamed energy into something even more likely to break bones. The best accessory for your bike is a Ben10/Barbie bell. Just make sure you’re back home in time for tea, ok? Cycling style: DINASUARS!

Mostly Cs: RACING/ROAD BIKE

This bike means business. You mean business. You cycle harder, better, faster and stronger than the rest. You bike in the rain. You bike in the snow. Weakness is for losers. That’s why you are on your way up to being at the top of your game. The 6am starts clear the mind and it beats the rush hour traffic. You are a winner. A winner in Lycra. As profiled in previous blog entries, this person will overtake you on a quiet cycle path. They will overtake you on a road. They could probably overtake a goddamn motorbike. Cycling Style: ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY.

Mostly Ds: TOURING/CLASSIC BIKE

I love you guys! Never happier than when stopping off on a grassy verge after a 20 mile jaunt with a flask of warm tea and some sandwiches, you are amiable, benevolent and like to attend peaceful protests opposing city bypasses. A regular contributor to the letter page of the local newspaper, you only get really riled up when litter louts damage fox dens or a new wind farm is built within a 20 mile radius of your house. When you buy your touring bike, please do not hesitate to upgrade to one with a straw basket on the front for holding baguettes and the wild flowers you just picked in the meadow. Cycling is not just a wonderfully wonderful past-time; it’s a genuine way of life. You recycle everything where possible, cook fresh from the kitchen garden and get the rest from Waitrose in your 4×4. Cycling style: Simply marvelous.

Mostly Es: FIXED GEAR BIKE

THE bike for the wannabe hipster, where cycling isn’t just about getting from point A to B, it’s also a smug fashion statement. Willfully anachronistic, these people will ride their brakeless, gearless bikes whilst listening to their iPod, because twice the danger = twice as cool.  Brakes? Screw ’em, If I wasn’t meant to stop, then so be it. If I pedal backwards, I go backwards; such is life. You meet traffic lights with sneering derision and like to advise the motorist next to you on the best independent coffee shop to get a latte and write on your Macbook. Amongst your friends you are articulate, witty and intelligent, and can recommend a great book on Kant’s transcendental idealism; other people think you’re a bit of an arsehole. The only thing you wish your bike would have is a display rack for your sketchpad and vinyl, but that would totally ruin its simple elegance. Cycling style: Studied nonchalance.

So there you have it – everything you need to start your cycling journey. Unless it’s a mountain bike. For services rendered, £9.99 will now be charged to your account. It’s not even going to the CF Trust, how about that?